I Woke Up This Morning 50 And Alone
How did that happen? Well, it wasn’t hard you see. I got married.
August 29th, 1989, it was still warm in Texas at that time of year. Especially central Texas where we got married. She was so damn beautiful and she still is. Here’s the hard part, she has borderline personality disorder. If you’re not familiar with it, it causes a person to be self-destructive, and overreact to emotional stresses and feelings of rejection. As an example; if she thought I wasn’t paying her enough attention instead of expressing herself she will try to seduce my best friend. “That’ll show him!” Get the picture? It’s freaking painful to live with and thank God I was man enough to do it long enough to raise our child.
Don’t get me wrong, she was and is a good mother, though she could be verbally abusive at times but most of that was directed at me. In time she did come to realize that what she was doing was verbal abuse. It took a couple of years to persuade her but she finally listened. The disorder turns on and off or is triggered I suppose. Sometimes there could be an distance in her where she could not connect with my daughter and myself. It wasn’t always like that, though. We couldn’t have fallen in love otherwise. We were and still are so bonded to each other as a family of 3. We believed in the power of 3. We were 3. That’s what makes this so damn hard to write. That’s my family and that’s my wife.
But this is about me.
I was reading an article about new discoveries in brain science. I’m a bit of a nerd and science geek you see, if you read this blog regularly you probably already knew that. Goddamn, I thought it was me! How could I not get this relationship thing right? After all I’m about reason. I’m a big proponent for legislating reason over morals. Soccer injures more kids than mushrooms but that’s another subject. Anyway the article had a link to Wikipedia about the brain. I read that and followed more links and noticed one on personality disorders in women. The first one was Borderline personality disorder. I read it and thought ‘Huh, surely I’m not the only one dealing with this.” I clicked the link and began to read. Immediately I felt the disappointment of knowing the truth, it rushed over me like a waterfall. Once you know something you can’t un-know it. It was her, I had been dealing with a disorder and not a person for over two decades. I called my daughter into the room and asked her to read this. I stood up and gave her the computer chair. She scanned the page for all of five seconds, looked at me and said, “That’s mom.” That day my heart broke.
I Love You More Than Words Can Say
We have struggled on and off for 12 years, maybe longer. We came into a little money in 1999. We used the money to buy my parents and us vehicles. Then we bought a house at the lake. We were in paradise and we had it made except… One day she came home from work. She’d been fired, again. I was sitting at the kitchen table with a neighbor and close friend. She was in a moment of clarity, being her and not the disorder, I know the difference now but i didn’t know it then, I thought it mood swing. She asked us both, “Whats wrong with me?” I told her she had O.C.D. and was too worried about what other people were doing and not focusing on her on responsibilities. Arm chair psychology on my part, I know, but it was just my wife asking me for advice. She knew something was wrong. I just didn’t know how to fix it.
The booze and lying got worse. She accused me of unrealistic things which left me confused. Every time there was an accusation I discovered it was transferred emotion. Wrought with guilt she would eventually accuse me of what she had been doing, knowing that she would be found out. For me this was like “What?’ Over the years I saw the pattern. Yet, I thought it was me still. Why couldn’t I make this work, love isn’t suppose to be that hard. Then I found her in my daughters bed cheating on me. My throat went dry and I yelled twice, the first time she didn’t hear me. “Shannon, What are you doing?” She got up and said “I’m going to pee.” She’s denied it ever sense.
That was twelve years ago. The lying and cheating have only gotten worse and I’m not strong enough anymore. [PAUSE] Wait a minute backup, how did we get here? Why didn’t you leave her then? I’m a romantic and I over dramatized our history. I’d never fallen out of love with her. I hurt because I was raised that your family is the most important thing in the world. She wasn’t raised that way and looking back on it now I understand why. Part of her condition is genetic and part is the abuse and neglect she suffered as a child. I had plenty of doubts the wondered I hope I’m doing the right thing. Maybe I’m just a sap? Being used again, I’m not always sure. I’ve been through a lot over the past several months What Happened To Gary is proof and maybe that was another trigger.
Sexting, sending dirty pics and even a website ad. I could go into detail here but I won’t. This isn’t about hurting her, she hurts enough. I know if she could change this she would. But she can’t and for the first time in twenty five years, she told me the truth. It’s all a part of the disorder. I’m trapped in the hell of her disorder because I have interacted with her reality and made her the love of my life. She’s not aware nor can she be for some unfortunate cause, that she’s in charge of everything she does. Instead her mind controls her.
I see the problem now. We’ve never even really communicated. We couldn’t, she saw things that weren’t there. Her condition causes her to put people on a pedestal and think they are the answer to her problems. When it doesn’t work she see’s them as failures and wants to hurt them for the emotional damage they caused her. Unaware the entire time that she is in control of herself, no one else. She got trapped inside her head and left me with mine.
I love her so much I almost can’t stand to live without her. I have to though. And I will, I’ll survive. Two months ago she checked herself in to a mental health facility. A ten day therapy detox program. When she got back she’d diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Someone else confirmed it. It wasn’t me, it was a disorder. I have to because I’m not the only one who depends on me. I have friends and I have a daughter who is pregnant. My life’s about to change. So I woke up alone, then I’ll write. What do you do when your fifty and alone? You go on.
Good Bye Wonder Woman